Help Against Loneliness

By Dr. Stephan Peeck

Institut für Logotherapie und Existenzanalyse Hamburg-Bergedorf, Germany

English translation by Tom Edmondson for Meaninginministry.com

Translator’s note: Dr. Peeck wrote this presentation in a conversational style. I worked hard to preserve this quality in the translation.

Initial Situation:

Experiencing loneliness is a widespread problem of our time. It permeates all age groups, so it affects not only older or really old people, but also young people and even people who are, as they say, in the prime of their lives. Experiencing loneliness is by no means limited to certain social classes; it permeates all classes: rich, poor, and everything in between. Nevertheless, there are a number of factors that can trigger feelings of loneliness. These can include poverty, but also a rapid rise in social status. Physical or mental illness can cause loneliness, as can losing your job, losing loved ones as you age, the blows of fate, and much more. You can feel lonely even though you know a lot of people, despite being in a relationship, and even though you have children. Further, you can feel lonely whether you live with far too little close or even more distant social contact.

The central question of my lecture will now be: What kind of help out of loneliness is there, or at least what are some ways to alleviate the experience of it?

This topic can be approached from a number of very different angles. My perspective, from which I want to look at this topic in my lecture, is that of a lonely person sitting in front of me. What suggestions can I give him in a direct conversation, what questions can I ask him, what encouragement can I give him so that his feeling of loneliness is at least reduced a little, or ideally disappears? So in my lecture, I do not ask what entertainment options, what opportunities for encounters, etc. could be offered to him so that he no longer feels so lonely. Rather, I ask what could help him to reduce loneliness by dealing with himself – in a sense, it should be about helping people to help themselves. In preparing this, it was important to me to provide you with tools that, in my opinion, each of you – even without being a psychologist – can use if you want to.

Motivation:

To get rid of or even overcome an inner problem that plagues me to any significant degree, I usually need to make a full existential commitment. This applies equally to overcoming fears, depression, addictions and many other internal problems that exist, in addition to suffering from feelings of loneliness. If feelings of loneliness plague me to a significant and persistent degree, then there is no other way than to tackle them with a truly genuine and strong existential commitment in order to minimize them or, ideally, overcome them altogether.

Why is it important to mention this at all? It is important because it touches on the question of motivation. And as everyone knows, the right motivation is half the battle!

     Specifically: many people love to complain and that is perfectly legitimate. People need to complain about what hurts them or causes them trouble. No question about it! But you have to learn to distinguish here, both as the person affected and as the helper: a person can complain themselves out but also complain themselves in. Complaining out is important. Without a person having first complained themselves out, it will be difficult for them to initiate change processes. Tormenting and oppressive things weigh heavily on his mind. And the lament or the self-lament is a facet of a person's freedom in relation to the situation. In short, you have to be able to talk about your misery or lament. And for that you need someone who really listens to you – not just in a methodically correct way, but from the heart. People need witnesses to their lives, to the good and the beautiful as well as to the difficult and painful.

     But there is a difference between suing[1] and accepting one's fate. Suing doesn't help at all. On the contrary, it weakens a person. There is a danger that the lawsuit becomes the meaning of life. Complaining becomes the purpose in life, a kind of negative sense that is not very beneficial.

These are two very specific ways of helping to overcome loneliness. Lamentation must occur. A heartfelt listening from another is very beneficial in this process. However, it can be equally important to make sure that you do not get lost in the lament. It is then of course important to also turn to the question of what you could do to combat your loneliness, perhaps with the help of others.

 This brings us to another point: quite a few people like to wait for “it” to change, for “it” to get better, for help to come from outside, as it were, in some way or other, that will resolve the problem, e.g. my loneliness, or at least reduce it: for a visitor to come finally, for the children to finally get in touch, for the friends I have left to call me at last, etc. And you can do that too. Sometimes it can even be the right approach if I have really exhausted my options, that I – instead of resigning myself – actively wait for life itself to bring me new opportunities that I cannot see today. However, actively waiting for something is completely different from a passive, resigned, sometimes inert or lazy attitude that primarily expects happiness from others.   

 And the latter is what this point is about. It is about entering into a conversation with yourself: “Who on earth is going to change my loneliness if not I myself?” It goes without saying that people sometimes need help with this. But the insight that I have to take action – whatever that actually means in practice – is very important. Otherwise, nothing will change. And by insight, I certainly don't mean that I can think this sentence and nod my head joyfully in agreement. No, what is meant is an insight that comes from deep within, from the heart. Only that has the power to get me moving. The question “Who, if not I myself?” can be nicely complemented by the question “And if not now, then when?” This question is directed against eternal procrastination. 

 Finally, a last point in this context of the question of motivation: quite a few people want – understandably – to get rid of their need, their problem, e.g. their feelings of loneliness, but otherwise remain the same. They want to get rid of the symptom without turning to the often deeper-lying root of the symptom within themselves. However, this is often necessary for real and lasting improvement. Of course, only the person themselves can decide whether they really want this. However, decisions have consequences – some consequences are good, others bad. The objection at this point, “I'm really much too old for that,” does not apply: officially, a person can change up until their last breath.

So here are two further questions against loneliness: “What can I do to change your situation?” and “Could it be that I would have to change a bit for things to get better?” But let's assume that a person is motivated, that they really want to do what is possible for them. What further help is there?

I am always more than my problem

 People in our part of the world tend to focus very much on the problem, one could almost say to fixate on it with a strange kind of bliss. This is unfavorable and unnecessarily darkens the attitude to life, because every person is always more than their problem under (almost) all circumstances. Imagine a large room. In this room, among other things, there is a table, and, on the tabletop, there is an unsightly stain. Almost magically, a person's gaze is repeatedly drawn to this very unsightly stain. If you imagine this in a very exaggerated way, you could say that you keep getting closer and closer to the spot and finally you see nothing but the spot. And, completely logically, you get the feeling that you are the spot. It goes without saying that this is not good for your sense of well-being.

In terms of the lonely person: yes, they feel lonely, and they need to be able to talk about it and vent. But then it is worthwhile to also ask him the following question: “Who are you actually – besides the person who feels lonely?” “Is there no other feeling in you at all except loneliness?” “Is there no other being in you at all except loneliness?” “Have you really ever thought about, reflected on the fact that you are always more than just your problem?”

 Experience shows that people who suffer significantly from a problem hear this question, but instead of really absorbing it, they quickly revert to expounding on their plight. At that point it is important to gently draw attention to it and to gently but consistently redirect the person to the question. It is then important to be specific: What am I more of than my problem? This sentence is of little use in general terms; it needs to be filled out. What could that be? The following food for thought could be helpful: “What kind of things do I enjoy or would enjoy if I could do them?” Reading, going for a walk, meeting people, sitting in a coffee shop and watching life there, watching certain movies, crocheting, crafting, knitting etc. etc.”

 When something comes up, it is of course good to dwell on it and - as they say - go deeper into what has been said. For example: what are my favorite places to walk, which films do I particularly like to watch, etc.? But a defense of some kind could also arise: no, I can't go for a walk, my knee hurts too much or: there's only garbage on TV or: no, reading has never been my thing or: no, sitting around in a coffee shop, people are often too stupid for me or it's too loud or or or or... that nothing comes of it. What then? Then it gets exciting.

We come to the topic: you are always more than your problem. Yes, what is this person who is somehow not concerned with much or everything, what is he more than his problem? He is always also the person who can distance himself at least to some extent from circling around his problem and transcend himself towards something other than his problem. In other words, what you could call his ability to take an interest in life, or in other words, the ability to be present in life, to take part in life, to turn to the life around him and relate to it, is an inalienable part of him. This ability to focus on life instead of just seeing oneself, to see the great life that surrounds the self and to participate in it, in whatever way, this ability is more than his problem. If this ability has atrophied somewhat, he would then need to revive it. This is possible, but it sometimes requires overcoming inertia, listlessness, passivity, resignation and many other resistances. 

Changing the viewing direction

Feelings of loneliness cloud the mind completely. They also tend to focus on what is not worth living for instead of what is worth living for. It can therefore also be helpful for lonely people to consciously and repeatedly focus on what is worth living for today. In order not to overwhelm them, it is sometimes really important to bear in mind what I said above: a person must be allowed to complain. You must not immediately come to him with the so-called good. That would be cynical. But if you take this into account, then it is sometimes almost necessary to talk to him about the following: “What are you actually looking for when you go through your days like this?” Take some time for this question, let it sink in, don't answer quickly. What is meant by these questions is not a superficial search, such as: I'm looking for what to cook for lunch today. No, what is meant is a deeper attitude with which I go through life.

I asked myself these questions quite intensively for a while a few decades ago. It was at a time when I was watching far too much television, partly because I felt noticeably lonely. Every evening, instead of watching TV, I deliberately and consistently went outside, went for a walk here and there. In doing so, I focused my attention on what was worth living for, the beautiful, the new, the interesting, the surprising. And every time I returned home asking myself the question: Was it worth it or would watching TV have been the better option. The answer each time was: watching TV would have been the worse option. I had always found something worth going outside for.

 What am I subliminally searching for: the good, the true and the beautiful, which I am sure is there in abundance in the life that surrounds me every day - or just one more reason why there is nothing more to life and it is best to just hide away? Or am I perhaps no longer searching at all, am I just living my life and gradually sinking further and further into resignation? Depending on a person's inner orientation, feelings of loneliness will either increase or decrease.

 I have not always been lonely

 You can not only change the direction of your gaze in relation to external life, but you can also change it inwardly. V.E. Frankl once spoke of the full barns of the past and said the past form of being is the safest form of being. Nobody can take away what was. It is definitely worthwhile to let the life I have lived so far pass before my inner eye again and again with the one-sided question of all the good that I have experienced in my life, the good that others have bestowed on me, the good that life itself has given me, and all the good that has come into my life through myself through deeds and actions that I have accomplished or done; through decisions that I have made, through the good that I have experienced and through the good that I have done, through the love I have lived, through the positive attitudes I have gained in the course of my life, and so on.

  The following is important during such a reflection. If, after two or three minutes, your thoughts and feelings slip back into the bad and unsuccessful, it is important to gently but consistently turn your gaze to the other side and focus on the good again.

  But what does this mean specifically in relation to our topic? I could look at my life from the following perspective and let it pass me by: “I have not always been lonely!” You could, for example, take a large sheet of paper and draw your life flow, simply a long line. You could divide this line into many sections: the time before school, the first years of school, the teenage years, etc. And then you could dwell on the individual sections and, as I said, look one-sidedly for the experiences, events and relationships in which you didn't feel lonely, but rather connected to others and good. And if nothing comes up? First of all, I would say: then you, dear person, have not searched hard enough. Of course, it could be that there was nothing at all, but that is the least likely scenario of all. Sometimes it can be helpful for another person to help me by asking me questions. Sometimes this can lead someone else deeper into the good memories.

  Furthermore in such a reflection it is important to not look too quickly at what you experienced back then. No, you have to look deep into it, dwell on it, let it come close to you, see, hear, feel and taste the images that arise. Sometimes it can be advisable to leave out relationships and events that were really beautiful but ended very painfully (and you have not yet sufficiently overcome this pain), not to delve into them. But I would like to let all the others come and really bathe in them again.

 Then you could turn to the following question: are there possible relationships, activities, experiences that I could revive? Should I perhaps get in touch with this or that person again? Couldn't I revive some of the things that did me good back then, even if perhaps in a different form? Reading, traveling, going out instead of just sitting in my apartment, etc.? And could I perhaps revive one or two of the ways of being that helped me to not be lonely back then: e.g. reaching out to other people, being open to life, the optimistic and not resigned side of me, etc.?

Perhaps some of you are wondering now whether immersing yourself in the good memories of the past might be more harmful than helpful in view of the rather lonely feeling of life today, as you experience your loneliness even more intensely in this way, because the contrast with back then becomes all the clearer? This cannot be completely ruled out, but a completely different reaction is more likely. After all, everything that has happened has left emotional imprints on me. And these imprints are energies. And these energies radiate into my attitude to life in a good way. They strengthen me, they not only make me think, but also feel that I am more than my problem, more than my loneliness. In this way, they also strengthen my sense of self, my self-esteem - and that in turn makes me more courageous to enter life anew.

 And it does something else. People easily get used to the way things are here and now, and so you can also get used to being lonely. If I now vividly remember times when I wasn't lonely, then I regain an emotional connection to what life feels like when it's not lonely. And that in turn can strengthen my motivation to reach out once again for a different life than the one I'm living now. In other words, it can give me a new lease on life. It can make me bang my head on the table and say, “Why are you living like this at the moment? Is it really and fatefully necessary that you feel as lonely as you do? Or is there still room for improvement? “Yes, it could be that I need to move and change something - yes. But that's not rocket science, it would work if I wanted it to.

Saying goodbye to what was/ making the world your home

 Here is another aspect somewhat related to what has just been said. Sometimes at least part of the feeling of loneliness results from the fact that a person simply cannot let go of good and beautiful times that they have experienced but have come to an end, perhaps even against their will. They mourn another person who is no longer there, who they may even have lost through a blow of fate, things that they no longer have, a season that is over. More or less he or she constantly circles around what is lost, longs for it, and experiences his present as all the lonelier and more lost. It is not uncommon for the grief that has become chronic to be an - albeit unfavorable - attempt to hold on to what has been lost. And so a person loses both: the past, because it is no longer there anyway, and the present, because they are constantly living in the past.

 The only thing that helps is what you could call radical acceptance. This means saying radically: “That's over for good. It happened and it won't happen again. It's over.” It's not easy and it hurts a lot at first. But it also liberates you and opens your eyes and your attitude to life for the present and the future. Yes, there can be considerable resistance when you try to do this so radically. Again and again - even though you don't want to do it anymore - you're already back to brooding over what you've lost and the old familiar pain. Then you have to gently but consistently steer yourself back to what is here and now. And you have to realize: I don't have another world, another life.

 And this one world that I have today, I have to make it my home. What does that mean in concrete terms? I have to talk to it, take an interest in it, enter into it. Just recently a client of mine, who can certainly suffer from bouts of loneliness, told me that it does her good when she - just like that - starts talking to other people when she's out and about, nothing earth-shattering, no, just like that, about this or that. It makes a difference whether I just look silently in front of me when I'm shopping or at the bus stop or at the doctor's and don't say a word, or whether I make contact with others in this way.

 Making the one world in which I live here and now my home can also mean taking an interest in cultural, sporting and entertainment activities and participating in them. It means overcoming my inner bastard and really going. And if I don't like it, then I shouldn't make the typical mistake of saying: “See, I knew that wasn't for me from the start!” Instead, I should continue to look for what's on offer.

 Making the world I live in my home can also mean the following: I was recently at the swimming pool. Outside the door I met a man, I guess in his 50s, who came up to me of his own accord and started talking about how he rides his bike a lot. His bike was standing next to him, packed with all sorts of things. And he said: “I live alone - but why should I sit at home and watch TV? I have a car, but I cycle a lot. Long distances, that's how I see my surroundings. And he made a thoroughly whimsical impression.

Catching up on unlived life: outside and inside

The following can also help against loneliness. Each of us, some more, some less, carry around what we can call the unlived life. This refers to the life that I have always wanted to live but have never been able or dared to. It is worth taking the time to do this every now and then and ask yourself: What life has been left behind? What have I always wanted to do, what lifestyle have I always dreamed of but never brought to life? It can take time for this to occur to you. It's often not enough to sit down and think about it for a moment. No, you have to think about it at your leisure. And it's important not to immediately dismiss what comes to mind with the comment, „it's far too late for that” or “that's completely unrealistic.” It would be good to let everything that comes to you come. As you can never think of everything at once, it's also worth keeping a list of ideas or a small ideas book. And whenever you think of something, write it down. And then you can take your time to look at everything and decide what is feasible and what is not. However, you shouldn't be too quick to dismiss things as unrealizable. Where there's a will, there's not always a way, but there is much more often than you think!

What could an unlived life be? Of course, it's different for everyone, but just to provide a few ideas: Where have I always wanted to travel to? What activity have I always wanted to do: sing, learn an instrument, join a hiking group, learn a new language, etc.?

 You could also ask: what changes have I been wanting to make for a long time? Change my apartment or place of residence, say goodbye to this or that relationship, dare to try this or that new relationship, or admittedly very boldly: which country have I always wanted to live in the most? One of my clients was seriously considering whether she should move to France permanently. These ideas could easily go on and on. The key thing here is: don't dream your life but dare to live your dreams.

  A completely different aspect is the following: There is unlived life not only in the relationship between me and the outside world, in which I can do something. There is just as much unlived life in my relationship with myself. The younger a person is, the more eager they are to create their own place in life: friends, partnerships, career, exploring the world etc. The older a person gets, the more they have done all of this. Some with more success, others with less. Whether it has to be one more trip, one more new project or one more new thing that you want to buy is another question. You can also turn inwards and ask what kind of life has been left behind, not lived and shaped?

Specifically, which aspects of myself that have always caused me and others trouble could I finally work on in peace: my anger, which is often far too intense, my restless, driven nature, my excessive desire to help others or my excessive sense of duty to always be the best, my avoidance of closeness, my far too fast pace of life, my overly rambunctious nature, my excessive need for harmony and my aversion to conflict?

 Could it be that I need patience and serenity, being with myself without always having to help, a deep inner sense of home, a car of closeness and love, a balanced existence not only for duty but also for joy, the daring to go my own way instead of always conforming, pausing, kindness, benevolence, taking responsibility for action instead of constant passivity and lameness - that all of these, or one or two of them, would be essential ways of life that need to be rediscovered or reshaped within me? or one or the other of these would be essential ways of living that need to be rediscovered or reshaped? All of this, or parts of it, could be unlived life that is just waiting to finally be unfolded by me and brought to life.

Being connected to yourself

 I would like to expand on what I have just said from a slightly different perspective. A person who feels lonely usually feels too little connected to other people, to the world, to life. And that's true: we are always social beings who need to be connected with other people. Without question. But what we need at least as much is a connection with ourselves. And people who feel lonely may lack this. It may be that they are too shielded from their own depth, from their own inner world, or more precisely, cut off from it.

 What is meant by one's own depth? It refers to the world of the unconscious. Most people associate the unconscious with the world of repressed problems, conflicts, unpleasant experiences, etc. And that is true. All of this is stored in our unconscious. But the unconscious encompasses much more than that. It is also the place where the strong, life-sustaining emotional forces, the good ideas, the deep, good knowledge about life are stored. In other words, the unconscious is a source from which we can draw good, strong life forces such as freedom and lightness despite everything, courage to face life, hope, confidence, security of existence, joy, the feeling of being wanted and loved, creativity, certainty about what we should or should not do and much more. The loss of access to this dimension of depth within us certainly contributes to the feeling of loneliness that many of our contemporaries suffer from.

 But how do you regain access to this dimension? The path to silence is essential. You retreat into a room where it is quiet. You stop listening to good music, are not disturbed by noise and simply try to be quiet. Of course, instead of becoming quiet, it might start to get really loud. Thoughts, worries, unpleasant feelings and other things come to mind. You can then say to these thoughts and worries, “please be so kind and wait outside the door for a short while.” Don't be afraid, I'll pick you up later, but I have other things to do at the moment. Please don't be offended, I'll be back. And then you can continue to wait for it to get quieter and quieter inside you.

 What then? Then you could simply perceive how you are, how you feel, how you feel. And then you can experience amazing things. Feelings can arise that you didn't even feel before and that don't fit in with all the restlessness, the worry, the rush that was just there. These could be feelings of deep inner calm, inner peace, of being unquestioningly protected, of being connected to oneself and to life, deep gratitude for life, joy and serenity and much more. We should simply dwell on these perceptions. You shouldn't analyze anything, just let it sink in.

 You can also focus on a so-called focus word in silence. You focus on a feeling, on an energy that you want more than before, e.g. on the word “freedom”. You don't think about freedom anymore, you just let it sink in. You can imagine that with every breath you inhale freedom deeply, letting it flow through all the pores of your body and mind and simply exhaling unpleasant, unfree feelings with every breath. As you focus on the word freedom, you can let whatever fantasies, inner images, etc. come to you freely. You could then dwell on one of these images and let it sink in for a while. Or you can also write the word freedom with your inner finger in front of your inner eye and let it have an effect on you and casually look into this word. Sometimes wondrous things happen: a beautiful light can suddenly emerge from this word, which radiates a lot of warmth and much more.

 And what is this supposed to do to combat loneliness? It helps me to reconnect more with myself, I am more with myself again than before - and not in circles around everything that depresses me, but with what strengthens me. And that naturally makes me feel much happier in life and strengthens me to enter the world in a new way.

Dare to approach other people

 Loneliness can sometimes also be caused by the fact that I am simply too afraid of other people. The very idea of approaching others and simply speaking to them can give rise to thoughts such as: “How dare I just approach the other person like that, they certainly don't want to know anything about me, at best they'll feel harassed and pressured by me.” Or: “Who are you to talk to this other person? Just look at him. He's way above you in the social rankings. Are you out of your mind to put yourself at the mercy of someone so big? You'd better keep your mouth shut.” Fear of other people can manifest itself like this and in many other ways - and you withdraw and remain lonely.

 Of course you can do that, but from the point of view of not wanting to be alone anymore, it is an unfavorable behavior. One remedy for this is not to avoid anxiety-provoking situations, but to seek them out. Not seeking out the anxiety, but the situations that make me anxious, such as approaching others.

 I have had my very own experiences with this. I used to be an extraordinarily shy person myself and was far too afraid to approach people I wanted to be in contact with. But then I said to myself: No, you're not going to put up with that from yourself. I don't want my life to be over in a way before it has really begun. I didn't want to put up with always being on the sidelines, not daring to do anything and then sitting at home again feeling frustrated and lonely. And so I dared to approach others, to just talk to them, to ask them if we wanted to meet up. That wasn't easy. And I also experienced some really embarrassing situations that I wished had never happened. And I've also had some mediocre experiences, not particularly good but not bad either. And I've hit the jackpot a few times. That's all part of it: sometimes you really miss the mark, and sometimes you really score. It's just life. The most important thing was that I didn't become a lonely person, but rather a person who is in the middle of life and feels connected.

 A nice, if not easy, way to help me along the way was to deliberately expose myself to embarrassing situations. For example, to overcome my shyness, I shouted out loud in the crowded Hamburg subway at rush hour in the morning, “Tickets please!” And everyone thought I was the ticket inspector and started looking in their jacket pockets for the ticket. All eyes were on me, I got a bright red head and then had to reassure the carriage that it was just a joke. Very embarrassing - but little exercises like that really helped me to overcome my fear.

Being your own friend

Loneliness can also be fostered by the fact that I don't like myself enough, that I don't love myself enough. It is therefore worth asking yourself again and again: “How much am I actually on my own side?” How do I actually think and feel about myself?” Am I more or less my inner friend, or am I perhaps more than I realize, my inner enemy? In other words, could it be that I am far too much against myself from the inside? Making myself far too small, talking down to myself, underestimating, devaluing, etc., and making others far too big and important as a result?

  If this is the case, it is important to realize the following: two basic forces are active in each of us and ultimately completely independent of our upbringing, etc. One of these basic forces wants us to feel really good, you could call it - somewhat floridly - our inner friend. This side gives us courage for ourselves, it encourages us to go out into the world, it makes us feel “It's good that we are here.” The other force wants exactly the opposite. As crazy as it sounds, it wants to make us small, whispers to us that we are nothing, that we should be deeply ashamed of ourselves, not just for this or that about ourselves, but quite simply for our very existence. This side could be called the inner enemy. Our lives are ultimately caught between these two poles. And we stand between them. Of course, which side we are closer to, the inner friend or the inner enemy, is very important for our attitude to life.

 What could help me to get closer and closer to the side that really wants the best for me? First of all, it would be good to take stock, in other words, to realize which of these two sides I am closer to in my everyday life. To consciously realize that, for example, I repeatedly make myself small, think badly of myself, etc. This is very different from when it simply happens in a dull state without me consciously realizing it. Because I can only shape what I am really aware of. So if I notice that I am too much against myself, then it is worth pausing and saying to myself: the fact that I feel this way, that I think so negatively about myself, doesn't just happen. There is a method behind it. There is a force behind it that doesn't want me to feel good. This force is not me, but I find it inside me. It grabs hold of me, wants to spread inside me and prevent me from living.

But whether I allow that is a second question. I have a say in that. I can blindly follow this destructive side. However, that would significantly increase the chances of me feeling lonely. But I can also be indignant towards it, not let it put up with everything, but turn to the other side, to my inner friend, and listen to what it has to say to me. He doesn't want to make me feel small, but is happy for me, wants me to feel good and conveys deeply loving feelings from me to myself.

 To counteract feelings of loneliness, it is therefore worth looking at yourself through the eyes of your inner friend again and again and imagining what this friend would say to you in the changing situations of your everyday life. You could imagine this very concretely, as if he were standing beside you and asking, “What would he say to me now?” He could say, for example: “Stop always comparing yourself to others. You are you. And that's a good thing. Yes, you have faults, just like everyone else. But that doesn't mean that you are a mistake! The fact that you are here is a miracle of life. You are a gift of life to yourself and to others. Unwrap the gift that you are and let it shine in your life. In your own way. That is why you are in this world, so that you can reveal yourself in your own way. You should not be a copy of the others; you should not be the way they want you to be. No, please, please be yourself. It's wonderful that you're here.” It goes without saying that a person who feels this way towards themselves is less lonely than someone who constantly allows themselves to be bombarded by the negativity of their inner enemy.

The life-historical roots of loneliness

 The fact that one person is more or less of an inner friend depends not only on what has just been said, but also on the course of life. The events that have happened in the course of life are already history the moment they happen. Now is already the past. What remains are the inner impressions that the events make on us. They are imprinted on our minds and contribute significantly to how we feel.

 If a person has had any kind of experiences in their life history that have favored the experience of loneliness, then these experiences will carry over into today and have a powerful influence on our attitude to life.

 And so it may be that there is actually no significant cause for loneliness in a person's life today: there are friends, there may even be partnerships, there is a job that is justifiable, etc. And yet somehow, they still feel lonely, perhaps very lonely. Then it may well be that the so-called wounded inner child in him speaks up and makes life difficult for him. If a person wants the feeling of loneliness to diminish, preferably disappear completely, it may be necessary for them to turn to the wounded inner child for a while and work through old life-historical wounds. If the after-effects of old injuries are too strong, then all the attention to the so-called positive in my present life alone will not help. It must be supplemented by coming to terms with what has happened. It is not uncommon to need a specialist, a therapist.

   But can you achieve anything on your own? You can at least try. The prerequisite for this, however, is sufficient mental stability so that you are not destabilized by revisiting the days of your childhood and youth. You could take your time to think back to those days and ask yourself: “What were my basic feelings back then? What names did they have? What were the causes of these feelings?” As a rule, the causes of these feelings are essentially rooted in the relationships with the primary caregivers at the time, i.e. often in the relationships with the father and mother. Becoming aware of these feelings would be a first step. It is always a good idea to name them as precisely as possible. It is not enough to say, “I was frustrated.” “I had a lot of pressure.” Or something similar. No, the names of the feelings must be as clear as possible and it must be possible to feel the feelings again. These can be feelings of deep inner shame about myself, inner anger towards myself as well as my parents, fear of my parents, sadness, pain, etc.

Then it would be good to take the inner child who has been hurt in this way very gently into your inner arms, to comfort it, to be with it. And it would be important to express any possible indignation towards those who have hurt you in this way very clearly once again. Finally, you could then ask yourself very consciously: “Who is actually lonely here: is it really me here and now, or is it the hurt inner child inside me?” These would be some very brief suggestions on what you could do yourself. However, there is much, much more to say. It would just go completely beyond the scope here.

Less and less against it, more and more “yes” to life

The loneliness in my attitude to life can continue to be intensified, and sometimes even founded, by personal idiosyncrasies that I have. I'm not thinking of the really good, but rather problematic quirks that you can have. Of course, there are quite a few.

 A very widespread, unpleasant characteristic of people that promotes loneliness is complaining, being somehow against it, grumbling against life: against the weather, against the Federal Railways, against the traffic, against the evil others, etc.

 Of course: complaining is just as much a part of life as gossiping. It's not about not complaining anymore, it's not that rare to complain for good reasons. Rather, it's about not letting your disagreement become chronic. Ultimately, it is about a fundamental attitude towards life that comes from the depths. It is important to ask yourself the question: What am I actually saying in essence: yes/or no to life? This deep basic attitude from which I approach life determines the basic tone of my charisma. And that in turn makes me more or less attractive to other people. Who wants to be around someone who radiates a rather hostile vibe? And on the other hand, who doesn't want to be around someone who is more life-affirming, open to life and lives in the mode of love, despite all the adversities that exist every day in everyone's life? Such an open-minded, loving attitude towards life is strengthened, for example, by making it clear to yourself: I am not the center of life and life has to serve me with everything I would like so much. Rather, life itself is at the center and the way I lead my life should constantly provide new, life-giving answers to the questions that life asks me here and now.

 Another basic attitude that increases loneliness is rederitis.[2] There are people who literally occupy the floor in a conversation, who more or less talk you under the table without periods or commas. You can make noises, such as taking a deep breath, moving your chair a little, clearing your throat, etc., to indicate that you want to say something. None of this helps, you can't get a word in edgewise.

 There is also the opposite: the person who would prefer to just be entertained, who doesn't contribute anything from their side to a conversation, an activity, etc. This is also not very attractive to others.

And chronic bossiness, or its opposite, constantly talking down to others is not particularly attractive. It rather encourages others to turn away from instead of towards.

These unfavorable characteristics could easily be added to.

 In summary, this question could be formulated, which you can ask yourself and, of course, others: “What typical, critical feedback do I actually receive again and again regarding my behavior and being? Which rather unfavorable traits do I, if I am honest, know about myself? It's worth working on this as it reduces the risk of sinking into loneliness.

Avoid sensory bias

 Sometimes people are also lonelier than they should be because they live too one-sidedly over a long period of time. We all need not just one, but several pillars of meaning on which to base our lives. Too much one-sidedness can make you lonely. For example, if you only ever work, only ever relax, only ever focus on your children, only ever read good books, etc., you don't have to, but you can find that your attitude to life becomes increasingly colorless and empty and you start to feel lonely. The more and different-colored meaning I experience in my everyday life, the less lonely I will feel.

 Without a doubt, living in relationships is also part of a meaningful life. And relationships should not only be experienced passively, but also actively cultivated. It is also worth taking a look at this: How do I deal with the relationships in which I live? Do I just let them run their course or do I actively nurture them?

 Sometimes, however, people suffer not only from a lack of meaning, but also from a loss of meaning. Of course, it is then important to search for new meaning. But sometimes this simply cannot be found. But then it is still possible to wait with open arms, i.e. in a life-oriented attitude, for new life to come to me out of life - without my doing anything - that I cannot yet see. The decisive factor here is not to drift into resignation, but to hope for life itself and to be open to what is to come.

Lonely people need active help from other people

In my reflections so far, I have essentially focused on the question: What can I do to feel as little lonely as possible? And in my opinion, that is also the central question, because ultimately only I can change my attitude to life.

 However, there are also a sufficient number of people who are simply no longer able to cope on their own due to physical illness or physical infirmity, material hardship, psychological distress and so on. In such cases, it is essentially up to their fellow human beings to help. It would be cynical to expect the person concerned to do so. You have to move. They simply can't do it. It's up to others.

 Let me summarize my presentation:

 Overcoming loneliness requires a person's full motivation

 Every person is always more than their problem.

 It is worth changing your perspective from the deficits to the good and the successful

 Reflect on the times when I was not lonely

 Say goodbye to what was

 Make the world in which I now live my home

 Catch up on unlived life

 Being connected with myself

 Dare to approach other people

Be or become your own friend

Working on the life-historical roots of loneliness

Saying yes to life more and more

Avoiding one-sidedness

Coming to the aid of people who can no longer help themselves

[1] The meaning of suing here means to “plead one’s fate.” We don’t use this meaning for “sue” in modern American English, but I am familiar with it from an old hymn, “Did You Think to Pray?” by M.A. Kidder: “Ere you left your room this morning, Did you think to pray? In the name of Christ our Savior, Did you sue for loving favor, As a shield today?“

[2] This means to be very talkative. We could make a pun with “logo-rhea,” diarrhea of the mouth.